The Great Disconnect of 2010

The Christian walk is not an easy one. Every day is capable of being a struggle itself, and the questioning of one’s faith, especially by the person themselves, is particularly dangerous. Actually, I should rephrase that: the questioning of one’s faith is like a double-edged sword; beneficial if I come out of the storm with a stronger faith, devastating if I completely lose myself and my faith. Originally, since the end of December 2010, I was going to write this post as a reflective piece demonstrating how far I’ve fallen from grace and how I’ve been trying to return, but I feel that I should now write about how things may have been getting better and one of the main issues I’ve been facing…

Some of original post

I would say my disconnect began even before 2009 came to a close.

I’ve always looked at my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and wondered how their own walk was. If they didn’t act a certain way, I wondered if their faith was suffering. If they walked away from the church and didn’t really do “Christian” things anymore, I wondered what led them to walk away from their faith, and at the same time, whether God, Jesus and Salvation was really dead in their hearts and minds. I guess you could say, in a sense, I was judging them. Not in a slanderous way, but perhaps more of a pious manner? Little did I know that this judging and observation I so often performed onto others was actually happening to myself for REAL. This probably, most definitely, undoubtedly, pertains to the speck and plank parable found in Matt 7:1-5. I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite, by all means I am one; I just never fully knew the extent of my hypocrisy.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Down. Down. Down… If my journey was plotted on a line graph for you to see, you would probably be adding sheets to the bottom to show the continued downfall. Perhaps the absolute low-point of a Christian walk is rejecting and losing your faith altogether, and there is no lower point than that? Each time I self-examined my walk, it seemed like all I could think of was how much deeper into the shadow of the valley I had gotten myself into.

/Some of original post

The main point I was trying to eventually get to in the original post through further elaboration, which I will immediately hit right now, is the need for community within a Christian’s life. We are taught (commanded, perhaps?) that we are each part of the Body (that is, the Church) and each have our unique, important purpose within it. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to share with a couple brothers what my spiritual life had gone through the past year, and I must admit there is some sort of bitterness and disappointment toward the home community I once was part of. Ultimately, this led to a complete feeling of disconnect from them [the Church].

So where did this disconnect come from? Being in my final year of studies, I could not afford the travel time to go back to this community weekly; I chose to go to a local church instead. Now, at this point you could very well say “You just said you chose to go to the local church instead of where you claim home is…how can you complain?”, and I would agree with you to a certain degree. However, where I do not agree is how cold and disconnected their attitude has been. Out of a community of over 80, with personal contact to perhaps 30 or more people, only 2 have been in on-off chats with me. Studying in Oshawa has been a strange affair, in terms of how the home community regarded it, as it was within the GTA to be considered “at home”, but far enough to be considered “out of town”. Out of town students usually got visits from the pastoral team or group leaders, and I also imagine messages from several others. In-town students can meet up anytime they please. Of course, this is all selfish observation; why should anyone actually pay attention to and be concerned toward me? I’m thinking out loud (as was the rest of this post), but perhaps my existence in the community is only valid when I am present and serving. The more I wonder if that was true, not just for myself but also for many others in that community, the more I was beginning to see that it might be true; I’m not a blue-blood, and I’m not a childhood friend of anyone there. Conversations rarely get deep anymore, but what do you expect when you don’t have their trust, let alone even know them that well. It doesn’t help that the small group meeting is erratic in schedule at times, and often conflicts with my existing schedules.

The home community is not the only one I am ranting about (yes, this post has pretty much turned into a rant, right?); the local communities are also in my scope. Although I had previously attended the campus community fervently in previous years, once again I was unable to for the final year of my studies. Similar to above, its probably another one of those “out of sight, out of mind, out of heart” situations, which leaves me SOL when not a single one maintained communication… Like any gathering, there will also be cliques and groups of people who are closer; there is a certain amount of yearning and jealousy for that tightness, seeing all the photos and posts and everything else on Facebook/Twitter. To the campus community, I am but a ghost that nobody knew.

The situation with the local church is perhaps almost exactly the same as above (are you seeing a trend?); during the summer I’d go to the weekly bible studies in addition to the regular Sunday deal. There are a few individuals I’d talk with a bit more — there is usually always a person you can talk with a bit more — but no serious conversations can really ever be had. Probably the only show of concern on a spiritual level can be demonstrated through the words “Oh, you decided to show up this week!”; please, if you had real concern you probably would have emailed/texted/called/IM’ed/messaged me the Sunday I was missing. Maybe the problem is because I am a visible minority in this community, maybe thats why there isn’t this level of closeness here? No, thats not it…because there’s another visible minority who seems to have a better closeness with everyone. Serving in this church (at least on Sundays) seems incredibly impossible, as they have the same teams and people doing the same thing every week. That, and I imagine you have to be a member. Serving in the young adults ministry may be out of my caliber, in terms of being able to bring out biblical truths and edification (thats IMO; one of the problems from falling), and musical ministry appears to already be completely grasped by existing people. That brings the question of whether you need to serve (front/backline) in order to be part of the community and feel it. This question doesn’t just hold for the local community, but also for any community, really.

Looking at these 3 situations, its very easy to conclude the problem is/has been myself all along; perhaps a selfish desire for attention, inclusion and a sense of belonging? One can also conclude that maybe I’m just not putting enough effort in making and maintaining these interpersonal relationships. Maybe its all true; maybe I’m just a rotten, miserable, introverted egomaniac dying because I’m out of the “spotlight”. What I do know is that I’m tired (and have been getting tired for a while now) of always being the one initiating conversation or sending random messages. To the rare handful (handful in the sense that I can count you with my hands; I can’t even grasp a small fraction of some of your bodies with my hands hahaha 😉 ) who have actually reached out to me: you have the deepest thanks from my heart, you know not how much it meant to me to be remembered.

In the devotionals I’ve been doing so far since last Saturday (yes, I started reading and contemplating again, though not as in-depth and in-length as many out there), there has been a common theme of local community and being part of a small group; ironic? One point which was made was:

…just your presence alone can help someone else in your group…

Which leads me to the question, at what point does your presence and contributions wear thin, and at which point do you stop showing up because the attitudes/coldness of others does not acknowledge your presence and grow tired/fed up (or you just feel like you’re not growing)? More thinking aloud; its dangerous doing so…

These past few weeks I’ve been feeling really blessed to be able to meet up with some brothers, meet new people, and have the chance to hear some of the deeper theological talks that have been going on. All I can really do is just listen when these talks go down, because I will get immensely owned if I even attempt to utter a single word…and I’m fine with this. I feel, even by just being in the presence of these godly brothers in huge discussions of faith and doctrine, that I’m getting closer to finding the kind of community I have been longing for. The peeps at Hebrews 10:24 and Ginseng Radio are helping open my eyes and heart again, and I really do hope that one day I’ll be able to even just crawl along God’s feet back to the path thats been set for me, as well as partake in their discussions. Until then, I can only hope to continue being included.

For the past 4 weeks or so, I’ve been trying to reintegrate with my home community and I don’t think it has helped much. Most people seem too busy or preoccupied to care, let alone be re-introduced to me. People can change over time, and surely I have changed in several aspects. A small part of me is wondering if the only way I can reintegrate is if I just dive into ministry again (ie. worship team), but another part of me knows that my heart and views on worship have formed into something different since I first served, something that God will probably not accept (thats a different topic for a different rant-post). Perhaps its the removal from ministry that has also removed me and my heart from community? A part of me is telling me this shouldn’t be the case, that your life shouldn’t be defined by what you do and you shouldn’t be known for the tasks alone. Another part of me doesn’t know what to think anymore.

One day I’ll feel like I belong again. Somewhere.