5 Years…

Today is Mother’s Day, and while my family and I believe in year-round celebrations instead of just one-day things, the impact of people saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” is definitely felt anyway. 5 years. That’s how long my maternal grandma has been gone. This morning I asked my mom how she feels when Mother’s Day comes around.

The first year her mom was gone, she felt the heavy impact for sure…but apparently each year isn’t as hard. I am avoiding saying “it gets easier”, because it doesn’t get “easier”. Do we then say that the “ease” is because of us forgetting the past, forgetting their legacy, forgetting what they look like or what they’ve done? No, I wouldn’t say it is necessarily that either, though for some it can be true. Rather, are we replacing our pain and sorrow (if those emotions are actually what we are filled with) with the good memories we’ve had with our loved ones who have passed on? That’s what I would like to think of it.

Yet, there are those who are stuck in perpetual questioning and sorrow for years on end. For instance, my maternal grandpa, who often questions aloud “What if she still had a few more years?”. Without dwelling on this for too long, one answer I can definitely give is: Maybe she would have died in a more tragic way. And its sad how he, as he self-described, sits around every day waiting to die. The truth is…sometimes the more you want to die and wait for it, the longer you’ll be waiting, and once you start having the time of your life your clock will click. Sometimes I wish he wouldn’t be so pessimistic, and would get out of his lonesome shell and take hold of those reaching out to him…

I wonder how my dad, along with his brothers and sisters, will feel when its Father’s Day next month. It is impossible for me to speak on behalf of my extended family, as only they know their relationship and closeness with my paternal grandpa, but with this being the first year there won’t be an elderly male voice to speak to, whom they associate with Dad, I can only imagine that my own dad will be a little emotional. From what I know, my dad has had a lot of opportunities and experiences with his parents. He was also one of the two children that was able to be by the bedside as my grandpa slipped away. That is an experience I cannot imagine, without feeling sad. But I also wonder how my paternal grandma is adapting and coping while back home.

I wonder how I’ll cope when I’m personally thrown into these situations. Our family says how we treat every day like Father’s Day, or Mother’s Day, or Christmas, or birthdays…but maybe I should put more effort into doing that everyday. It’s just part of that Pride Complex I have, where I can’t be wrong, where I am the god of my little world; where correction must be ignored, things must be done according to my requirements. And yet I read all the time that ignoring correction is foolish, and not listening to instructions and teachings will only bring downfall…