You know that saying which some people use to calm themselves down, “I am like an ocean; I am at peace. Slowly oscillating; I am at peace” (OK, or something like that)?
Repeating it several hundred times doesn’t necessarily help you attain peace (in the sense of calmness, lack of anxiety). But one of my bro’s reminded me of this passage from Phillipians 4:6-7 (he originally told me 4-7…):
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
And so my mind is really numb right now…and that area behind my head where it connects to my spine? there’s this immense pressure. This is my anxiety.
And here is me, thinking aloud (…through fingers, yes), against my better judgment:
Calm my heart, calm my mind, let them be focused on You.
Yes, it was bold. Yes, it was probably, most likely, definitely frightening.
But I don’t regret it. Because I’d rather have found out now, than get demolished in the near future.
I’m only human. I will fail. I will fail at the most unexpected times, and I will fail at the most expected times.
I’m not setting out to replace something; I don’t intend to replace You. I can never replace You, hold me to that.
Prepare me for when the time to talk is here again; when she’s ready.
But don’t leave me hanging here in silence, wondering; the anxiety and questions will eat me from the inside.
I can never replace You; never let me try to replace You.
I don’t know what to say, but I know the silence is killing me.
I can never replace You; may I never replace You.