The following post will be filled with my reflections on my faith. If you don’t like reading about this, feel free to stay tuned for a different post. Else, click on through.
Its not even 7:30am this morning, and I can’t sleep. Its not because I was woken up by my mom blowing her nose, it wasn’t the kerfuffle of her getting ready for work — for some reason, I’ve had 3 sleepless nights, just as Toby from Emery was singing in The Ponytail Parades (albeit about something different). Could this in fact, be part of something higher?
I had the privilege of going to the first session of Campus Church’s Connect Group (CC; CG, respectively) last night, and hopefully by God’s grace I’ll have the privilege to continue going throughout the year. In my previous years, I would go for a few weeks at a time, and then disappear without a trace, constantly using the excuse of my schoolwork to avoid going. I am now in my 4th year of a 5 year program (Electrical Engineering w/ Management), and the Lord has allowed me to have less than 24 hours of classes (incl. labs and tutorials) this year; approximately 12 hours less than usual. He is either entrusting me with more responsibility to further my time management skills and attention (or there lack of)…or I am just a lucky man and He played no part in this.
No. There is a reason for everything. Last night in CG we shared our testimonies (most of us, anyway (; ), and I’m finding its harder and harder for me to describe my own moment of salvation now. Its not just due in part to my increasing senility and memory loss, but even as a baptised Christian I have the ever small question of “Why did I believe then? What was it about God and salvation that made sense?” Personally, I’m finding it almost lip-service for me to just say “and something just clicked and made sense, and I was saved” (paraphrased) without remembering exactly what clicked; it irks me. Also, I’d be selling my faith and story short by following the structure others use for their testimony — that is their testimony, not mine.
Can testimonies be “updated” to revolve around events that occur after you are a baptised Christian? Why not! Yet, I feel hesitant to use my experience with TC06 and Sycamore in my testimony; it feels like I would be bragging, or showing off. But if I do indeed boast in this example, I believe it would be in the Lord (isn’t this a verse by Paul?). Being with Sycamore was the epitome of my Christian growth — being accountable with a group with a common purpose, being in constant fellowship with them, learning more as a musician and learning more about my role in playing music for the only One that matters.
Being with Sycamore was also when I experienced both God and Satan first-hand. You can call it bad luck, or you can say we just FAIL, but the first day of TC06 Senior had Satan lurking in every corner trying to muck up something beautiful. In the early March morning, as we entered the Meadowvale 401 West ramp to get to T3C, my dad hit a section of black ice. This was ironic, because he was just giving me advice that there should be extra caution on the ramps in the mornings due to black ice. As a result, we crashed front-end first into the guard rail. Airbags didn’t deploy, our car was still running and was drivable, and the cars that would have barreled into the passenger side…didn’t. Fast-forward later to recreation, where, of all things, I decide to jump during dodgeball and land on a dusty gym floor…only to slip and land on my right wrist, breaking it. Spent the rest of the day and evening in Scarborough Grace emergency, and go back to show the team the aftermath. Come back the next day to tape a pick to my middle finger to continue playing. Play pieces I should not have been able to play. By my own power? No.
[audio:http://addonelam.net/mp3/Sycamore-TC2006/Sycamore%20-%20Divine%20Invitation.mp3]
And after all these years…3 to be exact, where am i with God? What is my testimony? The demons I struggled with then, the demons I hid before, and the demons I have continued to struggle with now…I am finally starting to get over them. By my own power? No. I realize that I am not right with God in many ways…but I still believe the only source of strength is through Him, which He will always give to you. It depends on if you want to take hold of His hand, His power. You can’t communicate with Him if you don’t want to talk to Him, or read His letters to you.
[audio:http://addonelam.net/mp3/Sycamore-TC2006/Sycamore%20-%20Forevermore%20%28Awesome%20God%29.mp3]
I don’t really know where I’m going with this anymore; just something to get off my chest and think about deeper. I have to not just think about, but also take action toward: making myself right with God, daily; taking hold of the strength available, daily; re-establishing a steady relationship in communicating with Him, constantly; dedicating my musical talents, however limited, cast or none.